From: neoxphile@aol.com
Date: 18 Feb 2004 21:46:11 -0800
Subject: [atxc-pi] NEW: Eros Mala (0/1)
Source: atxc
 
Title: Eros Mala 
Author: Neoxphile 
Author Email: neoxphile@aol.com 
Status: NEW - Standalone 
Size: 20k 
Rating: R 
Archive at Gossamer: Yes to Gossamer/Ephemeral 
Category: Story , UST, Humor, Angst 
Keywords: Alternate universe 
Pairings: Mulder/Scully UST, Doggett/Reyes UST, Mulder/Reyes
Friendship  Spoilers: Seasons 1-8 

Summary: In an alternative universe where season nine never happened,
Mulder gets jealous when Scully makes other plans - with Doggett. A
bar visit gives him an idea.

Title: Eros Mala

Author: Neoxphile

Spoilers: Seasons 1-8 up through dead/alive

Rating: R-ish  for "adult themes" (don't try this at home, kids)

Archive: Please ask first

Feedback: neoxphile@aol.com

Website: http://www.geocities.com/mulderscreek/

Summary: Set in a AU after Mulder's return (season nine never
happened), Mulder  is jealous that Scully's heart isn't as assuredly
his as he thought, but a bar visit gives him other ideas. 

Notes: in response to this Valentines Day fic challenge
http://forums.prospero.com/foxxfiles/messages?msg=122966.1 

Eros Mala
A Valentine's Fic

February 11th, 2002
1pm

Returning from dropping off something to the lab, Mulder paused at the
door, just in time to hear Scully say, " Oh, of course, John, I'd love
to go to dinner with you on Valentine's day."

Mulder paused - still unseen-  then walked off to the men's room,
where he thrust the bouquet of flowers he bought into the trash can
with a violent gesture. Petals rained onto the floor, but he just
kicked at them with the toes  of one foot and made no effort to pick
them up.

It bothered him that Scully had taken up with that Doggett character
while he was dead, but he didn't make too much of an issue of it. He
assumed that since he was William's father, she'd easily be won over
again once the shock of his premature burial wore off, given he was
still very much alive.

But things didn't work out that way. Some how that jerk had wormed his
way into  her heart while he was being tortured by aliens, and he
still had a hold on her. Now Mulder was the one who had to hope to
carve out time to see Scully alone, and had to wait until weekends to
spend time with his son.

Shaking his head, Mulder pulled out his cell phone and called Skinner.
" It's agent Mulder...I've come down with a bad case of diarrhea
suddenly, would it be  ok if I go home for the day?" As expected,
Skinner was more than willing to let  his "sick" agent go home. Mulder
smirked; the excuse was as effective as girls claiming cramps in PE
class.

Fleeing the Hoover building, Mulder almost knocked agent Reyes on her
butt. "Oops." He said, taking her arm until she regained her balance.

She didn't look upset, instead touched his arm lightly, in that overly
familiar  touchy-feely manner of hers. " You're in a hurry."

" Yeah...I'm on my way home. Coming down with something vile."

Reyes gave him a sympathetic look. " I hope it's not contagious." Then
she went  into the ladies room and he could hear her vigorously
washing her hands. He shrugged.

***

Since he didn't have anything better to do, Mulder decided to spend
the rest of  the afternoon in the bar that had just opened up within
walking distance of his  apartment. He'd never drank much, but it
seemed like a perfect day to start.

The bar was pretty dark, but an "open" sign burned in the window, so
he pushed open the door. It wasn't until he saw it painted on the
mirrored glass behind the bar that he even gave the bar's name a
thought. Eros Mala it proclaimed boldly in green, and he found it a
damn strange name for a bar. Shrugging it off, though, he decided that
the oddness of the name wasn't going to adversely affect the wetness
of the liquor. 

" What can I get you?" The bartender asked from his vantage behind the
bar. Mulder noticed immediately that the man was short, probably not
even as tall as  Frohike. It didn't really matter, as long as he could
see over the bar, Mulder supposed.

" A shot of double malt." Mulder said impulsively. His dear old Dad
had always considered it worthy of getting the job done.

The whiskey was soon slide across the counter, and almost as soon
consumed. Mulder's throat burned, but he ordered another.

" Something is bothering you." The bartender said as he passed over
the second drink. " Wanna talk about it, buddy?"

"I'm the key figure in an on-going government charade, the plot to
conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a
global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of
power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child
on this planet, so, of course, no  one believes me. I'm an annoyance
to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky
Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was
just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and
a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the
fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna be the
shit-storm of all time."

The bartender just nodded. " That's not what I meant though. Woman
troubles, right?"

Mulder toyed with the empty shot glass. " I guess you could say
that."

The bartender grinned. " I knew it. Soon as I saw you, I thought to
myself, 'that guy's got some dame making his life hell'."

" Well, it's not just her." Mulder protested weakly as he ordered his
third shot.

" Like I said, if you need to talk about something, I'm all ears."

***

Mulder sighed and drained his glass. " So I was kidnapped by aliens
and while I  was gone my pregnant girlfriend hooked up with the guy
they replaced me with in  the office. I guess she figured replace me
in one area, replace me in another, right?" He asked bitterly, and the
bartender gave him a knowing frown. " So now  I'm worried my kid is
gonna be calling this jag-off 'Daddy.' I don't know how
much more of this I can take."

The bartender slid another drink over without having to be asked, and
Mulder picked it up gratefully. " It's just getting really grating,
you know? 'Oh, I'd  loooooove to screw you for Valentines day.'
Whatever."

" That does sound like a bummer." The bartender said. Mulder noticed
for the first time how curly his hair was. Blond, too. Made him look
younger than he initially thought.

Mulder snorted. " The only person who understands what I'm going
through is a bartender who doesn't know me from Adam. What's the
luck?"

" Are you sure I'm the only one?" The bartender asked, another drink
in hand.

" Well, she sure doesn't. And that idiot ex-marine, I don't think he's
given me  any thought at all, never mind mulled over my plight."
Mulder was beginning to feel a little weepy from the weight of
self-pity, so he sniffled a little.

" But are you the only one being hurt by this?" The bartender
persisted.

" I doubt they're feeling any angst. My kid, maybe, but he's too
little to know  what's going on."

" Ok, ok. What I'm getting at, is is there another girl?"

" A threesome?" Mulder choked on his drink. " I hope not, I mean I
couldn't talk her into it, so if he could, boy would I be pi-"

" A girl that likes the jarhead."

" Oh. Yeah, I guess Monica has a thing for him. God only knows why."
Mulder muttered darkly.

" There you go."

" Huh?"

" What do you think of this Monica?"

***

Mulder started at him, and blinked. There seemed to be something wrong
with the  guy's shoulders all of the sudden. They looked fuzzy and
white. Maybe he was just drunk. " I haven't really given her much
thought. She likes that new age-y  crap, but she's got some good
ideas. Respects my ideas more than Red every did..." He giggled a
little. Red. Scully would kill him if she heard that. 

" So why don't you put the moves on Monica, then?" The bartender
asked. " Make Red and the jarhead jealous-like."

" That's not a bad idea." Mulder mused, playing with the seven empty
glasses in  front of him. They seemed to move even when he didn't
touch them.

" See?" The bartender asked cheerfully, his wings doing a happy flap.
" You shouldn't be miserable, there are other fish in the sea."

" Yeah!" Mulder pounded his fist on the bar, making the glasses jump.
" Say, can you fly with those things?"

" What?"

" Nevermind." He reached for his wallet. " How much do I owe you?"

" Ten bucks."

" That doesn't sound right." Mulder said with a puzzled frown, trying
to divide  seven by ten in his head. " Shouldn't it be more?"

" Grand opening special." 

" Oh, ok." Mulder started to nod, but it made his head hurt, so he
stopped.

" Good luck!" The bartender called as Mulder reeled out of the bar.

It was dark out, and Mulder found himself very confused. Which way did
he go to  get home? He stumbled around, blearily looking out for cops,
for close to twenty minutes before he gave up and pulled out his cell
phone and pushed one of the preset buttons.

***

Reyes was staring glumly at her TV dinner when the phone rang.
Desperate for conversation, she snatched up the phone. Even if it was
a telemarketer, it was someone to talk to. " Hello."

" Is this Monica? It's Mulder. I'm lost."

He sounded tearful, which worried her. " How did you get lost?"

" I was gonna go home and go to bed, but then I thought a couple of
drinks might make me feel better. I never drink, but I thought
maybe...Now I can't find my apartment!" His voice trailed off in a
plaintive wail.

Having spent more than one Mardi Gras wandering the streets inebriated
herself,  she felt a stir of pity for the confused man. " Are you near
any buildings?"

" Of course I am. This is Washington DC. There are buildings
everywhere."

" I mean are you near any businesses. As landmarks."

There was a pause. " 6th Street bank."

" Ok, good. I'll come get you."

" Really?" He sounded both awed and grateful. " That's so nice."

" Yeah... see you in a few."

She paused long enough to grab a small bucket, just in case he got
sick.

***

Mulder slumped in the passenger seat of Reyes' car, the bucket held on
his lap.  " Do you make sand castles? My sister and I used to use
buckets like this to do  that."

" I think it came with a gift my mom sent me. Something to do with
flowers. "

" That sounds nice. My parents gave Samantha to the aliens, did I ever
tell you  that?" Mulder asked her.

Reyes shrugged, unsure that rehashing all that while sloshed would be
good for him. " So... you thought that drinking would make your cold
better? I know my dad thought a glass of wine would cure anything,
but..."

" Oh...I'm such a bad person, I lied to you and Skinner. I wasn't
sick. I just couldn't go back in there. With them." 

" I'm sorry, Mulder." Reyes said as they pulled up in front of his
apartment.

" It just wasn't supposed to be like this." Mulder struggled to get
the seatbelt off, until Reyes leaned over to unsnap it for him. " It
wasn't like I wanted to get taken away, so why am I being punished for
it?"

" Oh Mulder..."

" You believe in karmic justice, don't you? What could I have done
that was so bad this happened?"

" You didn't do anything wrong, any more than I did. People falling in
and out of love just happens, there's no punishment for cosmic wrongs
behind that. Just  hearts."

" That isn't fair." He muttered as he stumbled up the steps.

" Tell me about it."

Mulder ushered her in. " I'm a jerk. I'm just thinking 'me, me, me'
and not even thinking that you're hurt too."

" Pain makes everyone self-centered."

" That's not excuse..." He flopped onto the couch. " How are you
feeling? You've not even drunk to numb anything."

Reyes shrugged. " I think I'm the victim of my own overblown
expectations. When  I heard that I'd be working with John, I saw it as
an opportunity to pursue him  in a way that I couldn't when we worked
on his son's case. I built up this big fantasy...and when I got to
DC-"

" Poof?"

" Poof." She agreed.

Mulder got up from the couch and wandered over to the CD player. "
I've got the  perfect song for the occasion."

***

Mulder rolled up a copy of Omni that was on his coffee table, and used
it to mime a microphone. As soon as the words to the song started, he
started belting  out the song along with the cd.

You love her 
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win 
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love 
It's gonna make you cry 
I've had the blues 
The reds and the pinks 
One thing for sure 

He crooned, making Reyes grin. 

" You know this one, don't you?" Mulder shouted over the music. " Sing
the chorus with me!"

She shook her head, so he sung it alone.

Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 
Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 
Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 
Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 

" Now you've got to sing." He told her, thrusting the magazine into
her hand. She blushed for a couple of seconds, but he just gave her an
expectant look. She picked up on the third word of the next line.

Two by two and side by side 
Love's gonna find you yes it is 
You just can't hide
You'll hear it call 
Your heart will fall
Then love will fly 
It's gonna soar 
I don't care for any casanova thing
All I can say is 
Love stinks

As the song heads back for the chorus, Mulder grabs her hand, but
gently, and they both sing at the top of their lungs.

Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 
Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 
Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 
Love stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah 

A loud pounding from the vicinity of the ceiling alerted them to the
neighbor's  wrath, so Reyes quickly turned off the stereo. Mulder had
the decency to look sheepish, but his eyes sparkled with excitement
too.

" Scully never would have sang with me. Never."

" She's..." Reyes groped for an appropriate word. "restrained."

" You mean uptight. Just like Dog-ate." Mulder corrected her.

(The J. Geils Band "Love Stinks")

***

" I guess they are a little uptight." Reyes admitted.

" So what drew us to them in the first place?" Mulder asked, throwing
one arm behind his head. " You and me, we're not uptight."

" Opposites attract?"

" That'd explain if either of us were attracted to Kersh."

" Good in bed?"

Mulder snorted. " I dunno anything about you and Dog-ate, but I was
infatuated with her for years before we slept together. They don't
call her the ice-queen around the office for nuthin."

" Wait, I'm confused. She's the ice queen because she plays hard to
get, or because she's cold in bed?" 

Even in his state, Mulder doesn't fail to notice the smile playing on
her lips as she asked the question.

" A gentleman never tells." He answered primly.

" I'm glad I'm not a gentleman." Reyes retorted. " Because I'll tell
you, John is a very by-the-books person in ALL aspects of his life."

" I hope it's an interesting book, anyway." Mulder told her, making
her giggle helplessly. Mulder sat back up. " We're not bad people, so
why are we sitting here letting those two people, two boring people,
make us miserable?"

" Habit." Reyes replied immediately.

" Bad habit. Maybe there's a twelve step program."

" Yeah, 'getting over someone who's wrong for you in 12 easy steps.'"

" I know, I'm gonna design that very program." Mulder declared.

" Are you."

" I've got a psych degree, I should be great at this."  

" That didn't sound like bragging at all." 

" I'm nothing if not humble. However, every good plan needs to be
tested, so I need people to try my program out on."

" Who?"

" Lets do something fun."

***

The following day...

" Sir, do you know where agent Mulder and agent Reyes are?" Scully
asked.

It was ten thirty and Scully and Doggett finally had noticed that they
were alone in the office fifteen minutes earlier.

Skinner sighed. " Unfortunately, agent Reyes seems to have caught the
intestinal bug Mulder went home with yesterday. I don't think either
of them will be in for a few days."

Scully grimaced. " Maybe I'll stop by their places after work and drop
off some  magazines."

**

Meanwhile...

" Thank you, Father, you've been very helpful." Mulder stood and shook
the priest's hand.

" My pleasure. It's always nice to speak to young people who are
undecided about joining the clergy."

" You've given us a lot to think about." Reyes told him, with a
smile.

" Take a few days to think about it." The priest offered.

" Do you think they'll be joining us?" A nun asked as Mulder and Reyes
walked out to their car.

The priest gave her an amused look. " Not a chance."

**

" So, there's step three, what do you think?" 

" I think that being alone now is worse than swearing off sex for the
rest of our lives." Reyes said.

" Exactly. Puts it all into perspective, doesn't it?"

" Sure. Even it isn't as much fun as step one - playing games at
Jokers until you get thrown out for making too much noise, or step
two- heckle a romance movie until you're asked to leave the theater."

" Breaking a bad habit isn't all about fun and games, Monica."

" So what's step four?" Reyes asked.

***

That night...

"...and I don't even know what I ever saw in you. You look like a
constipated elf! I am so over you, John." <click>

Scully gave Doggett a puzzled look. " Who was calling at this time of
the night?"

" I think it was Monica. Do they use narcotics to treat intestinal
bugs these days?"

" Not that I know of, but then, my most recent medical training
doesn't really apply to living people, you know. Why do you ask?"

" She just didn't sound like herself."

" No one was answered when I dropped off the magazines this
afternoon...do you think we should go check on her?" 

Doggett shook his head. " She's a private person. I'm sure she'll be
fine."

Scully got back under the covers. " Ok, but if she's not better in a
couple of days, I'm going to make a house call."

He cuddled closer to her. " You're such a sweet person, Dana."

**

" Mulder, that was...great! I've never had the nerve to be that honest
with him  before."

" Right, but have you ever been this drunk before?"

" Lots of times. But not since moving to DC."

Mulder paused to open another bottle of  Jack Daniels. " Hand me the
phone, I need to call Scully so we can cross step eight off the
list."

***

Valentine's Day...

" Normally I'd give this assignment to agent Mulder, but as you know,
he's... indisposed." 

They gave him knowing looks, Mulder really didn't sound like himself
that last they heard from him.

" So I'm going to send the two of you to Las Vegas to investigate a
new case that has come our way."

" Involving what, sir?" Scully asked.

Skinner sighed.

**

"You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die-"

" No no! I thought you said you were the real Elvis." Mulder
complained. " The real Elvis wouldn't sing that at a wedding."

" Sorry. Ya'll are right. Maybe something more, romantic?"

" Please." Reyes begged.

"Love me tender,
Love me true,
All my dreams fulfilled.
For my darlin' I love you,
And I always will."  

" Mulder!"

Mulder and Reyes whipped around when they heard a familiar voice.

" What are you two doing here? You're supposed to be home sick, so
Skinner assigned us this case."

" What case?" Mulder asked.

" Someone reported that this minister is the real Elvis-" Scully
stopped in mid-sentence and gave them a puzzled look. " If you're not
here to investigate this case, why are you here?"

" Do you want to be the witnesses at our wedding?" Reyes asked
sheepishly.

" Your wedding? What the hell do you mean, your wedding?" Doggett
sputtered.

" It's step twelve in getting over people who are totally wrong for
you- be married in Vegas by a believable Elvis impersonator." Mulder
explained.

" But...you've only known each other for a few months, and you've
barely spoken  to each other! How could you possibly be getting
married?" Scully ranted.

" Dana, true love isn't something that you have to agonize about for
years." Reyes admonished. " Want to make it a double ceremony?"

Scully and Doggett looked at each other and shrugged. "  Ok."

The End

Epilogue-

The bar shook a little when the door was slammed open with great
force. 

The bartender glanced at the irate person entering his establishment,
but went back to cleaning the shot glasses.

" How could you?" The short man asked as he flew up to the bar. " You
knew they  were all wrong for each other, yet you encouraged him to go
in the wrong direction! Now their lives will never be perfect!"

" Who needs perfect?" The bartender shrugged. " You deal with perfect.
Me, I dish out good times. They seem happy enough to me."

" But! But!" Cupid shrieked.

" But nothing. If the world didn't need an anti-cupid, I never would
have been born." Eros Mala told him.

" It just seems so wrong." Cupid muttered. " And why did they think I
needed an  evil twin anyway?"

" Hey, there's always divorce."

" Yeah!" Cupid said, brightening. " Nothing last forever. Not even
love."



### The End ###

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